Nu Resolution 6-11

By Joe Walker

“How many karats do you feed your hair?”

People look at me funny when I say I need a haircut. I realize that I wear a bald hairstyle, but I’m not bald-headed. I do have hair. Back home people are used to seeing me bald, but there was a period when I went over a month without a shave. I told someone I needed to have my hair cut and they looked at me and said, “What hair?” C’mon: I know they’re used to seeing me with a glossy shine, but they haven’t been blinded by my usual glow. I know they could see the hair on my head.

I cut my own hair now, but for years I went to a barber. I still prefer going to a professional than doing it myself. One question I’m most frequently asked is, “How much does it cost to get your head shaved?” “Ten or fifteen dollars,” I say. The most frequent response is, “How much? I can shave your head myself for free!”

On one of my last visits to the barbershop, there was a lady waiting while her boyfriend got his cut. I was next, so she asked me, “How do you get your hair cut.” I told her, “bald.” She made a face then asked, “How much they charge you for that.” I told her, “Ten dollars.” You already know the rest of what she said, but not the look on her face. I thought maybe I had insulted her. Did I say she had a wooden leg with a termite tattoo on it? No. But I did say her hair looked like a hornets nest. It was funnel-shaped, colored pink, blonde and black, and stood, what seemed like, six feet above her head. I asked, “How long does it take to get your hair done.” She said, “A few hours.” I asked how much it costs; she said “Two hundred dollars.” I began to choke, then said, “Give me some honey and a spinning bar stool, and I could do your hair for free!”

New Resolution #12: You can’t cut my hair.