Dear Tamara:My new boyfriend is perfect. We have been dating for about four months now and we get along great. The only problem is his son’s mother. I hate to put it this way, but she is ghetto! She is constantly interfering in our relationship. She calls him all hours of the night just to get under my skin and try to cause trouble between us. Should I get out of the relationship now before it gets to deep and allow her to win, or should I hang in there and straighten her out?
Tired of the Baby Mama Drama
Dear Drama:
While dealing with Baby Mama Drama can be very frustrating, it is also a very touchy situation and one that can greatly affect any relationship. Your relationship is still very new and if you know right now that this is not a situation you want to deal with, then by all means, get out. If you are sure you want to pursue the relationship and decide to stay with your new boyfriend checking his Baby Mama and “straightening her out” may not be the best thing for you to do. I know that’s probably not what you really wanted to hear, but it’s the truth.
Your boyfriend is the one responsible for dealing with his son’s mother and setting the boundaries for their communication and interaction. If you have any issues, he is the person you need to deal with and not his son’s mother. You trying to insert yourself in the middle of a situation where you do not fully understand the dynamics and history of the relationship can backfire.
I think women immediately go after the other woman without fully understanding or taking into consideration the full situation or the many feelings tied up in the situation. And your boyfriend has the responsibility for setting the tone of that relationship not you. Don’t automatically assume that the state of the relationship is all on the other woman.
Yes, I have seen women act crazy and use their children to control situations, but I also know that there are other dynamics that affect the situation and cause people to act out. Imagine you having a newborn at home and your Baby’s Daddy has already moved on with someone new. Now I am not standing up for Baby Mamas everywhere, because I know there are some that are just plain manipulative and out to wreak havoc. But whether it’s right or wrong, as a woman, I can understand how this can make another woman feel and act out.
With that being said, I am not suggesting that you have to take the drama or even be involved in unnecessary mess. But I am suggesting that you take your issues up with your boyfriend and not automatically initiate a hostile relationship with his son’s mother, especially when you are not in her shoes. Be mature and respectful and you will be surprised how this can affect the relationship in the long run. If you and your boyfriend are serious and the relationship has longevity, there is still a child involved that does not need to be in the middle of parents and step-parents that do not get along.
Author of the upcoming book Been There Done That: And Lived to Tell About It (due out Spring 2011), Tamara R. Allen is Your Advice Guru giving REAL advice from REAL experience. Email your questions to asktamara@tamararallen.com. You can follow Tamara on twitter @tamararallen or check out her daily column and archives at www.tamararallen.com.
March 27, 2011 – April 9, 2011 Edition
