Dr. Daneen Skube said it’s probable that you experienced anger from someone with borderline personality disorder. Individuals with this condition aren’t psychotic but do suffer from significant mental health issues. Triggering their feelings of shame can cause them to suddenly switch from holding you in high esteem to displaying intense anger towards you. Alternatively, they might express their anger without ever going through a phase of idealization.
Photo by Yan Krukau
By Dr. Daneen Skube
Tribune Content Agency
Q: I have an employee who’s smart, arrogant, and tolerates no correction. He recently blew up in a staff meeting, yelled insults and swear words at me, and stormed out. I feel like crap as I’ve worked hard to help him. How do I handle this?
A: You were most likely on the receiving end of rage from a person with a borderline personality disorder. These people are not psychotic but they’re quite mentally ill. If you trigger their shame, they may flip from idealizing you to raging against you. They also may simply rage at you and skip the idealizing part.
We all have moments where we feel embarrassed. People with normal psychology do not enjoy shame, but use it to learn. Borderline personalities, if they feel shame, will evacuate all their shame into the person who triggered them. You’re right now carrying around rotten feelings that don’t even belong to you!
What your employee did amounts to a mental health problem. You didn’t suddenly become a terrible manager. Look at all the “normal” people who appreciate you, the people who love you and your track record. Don’t let this person leave all his shame in your heart and head.
The reason people with this dynamic are considered to have a borderline personality disorder is that their behavior is between normal and psychotic. As you witnessed, your employee acted nuts. Much of the time people with this issue seem perfectly normal… unless they feel shame.
Be aware that it’s not your fault that your employee felt shame. Any observation, correction, or coaching can result in a blow up. You might be comforted to know that even private practice therapists try hard to avoid these people. We know it’s just a matter of time until they dump all their shame on us and treat us like crap.
Even talented counselors with years of experience feel awful after these events. We can take days to regain our peace of mind. If you realize that this behavior is never OK and is about your employee’s mental health, you’ll recover more quickly.
This employee will likely never take responsibility for his own behavior. You have to realize that his bad behavior is what he showcases for everyone. Do not expect him to be accountable.
Most likely, you’re going to need to move this employee off your team. The easiest way to do that is to have a meeting with him (make sure you include a human resource person). Then agree that you’re not giving him what he deserves. Validate his competency, intelligence, and sense of entitlement. Let him know you now see that this position, and you as his manager, are not good fits. Start the process of letting him go.
Make darn sure you include, in addition to a human resource person, legal folks as borderlines are likely to sue. The reason you want to validate his self-esteem, regardless of how badly he behaved, is so he can have as a goal feeling proud of himself. If you help repair his self-esteem as you help him out the door, he’s less likely to come after you.
No human being deserves to be the repository of the shame of others. It might help you to know that this employee lives in a worse hell — with himself — than in the state you are in now. All your employee really did was to reveal his illness to others. You’re now free to move him out and get on with your high-quality life.
The last word(s)
Q: I just got my first job. I receive an hourly wage and want to make myself stand out. Is there a way to show my boss that I’m valuable?
A: Yes, as Jim Rohn (1930-2009), an American entrepreneur and author, rightly noted, “You don’t get paid for the hour. You get paid for the value you bring to the hour.”
Seek ways to contribute more than you’re paid and you’ll rapidly be in a class all by yourself.
Daneen Skube, Ph.D., executive coach, trainer, therapist and speaker, also appears as the FOX Channel’s “Workplace Guru” each Monday morning. She’s the author of “Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, About Anything” (Hay House, 2006). You can contact Dr. Skube at www.interpersonaledge.com or 1420 NW Gilman Blvd., #2845, Issaquah, WA 98027. Sorry, no personal replies.
©2024 Interpersonal Edge. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
