By Dr. Daneen Skube
Tribune Content Agency
Interpersonal Edge
Q: I worry a lot about stuff that happens at work. I sleep fine and can think of other things in my off hours. However, now I’m worrying about worrying and concerned about whether my anxiety is “normal.” How do I know if I’m normal?
A: I advise my clients that normal is not a goal worth reaching for. As Albert Einstein, the famed theoretical physicist, said, “The person who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The person who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever seen before.”
“Normal” means you’re aiming to be in the middle of some kind of statistical middle of the road. No one truly is completely and utterly “normal” on all accounts.
Our eccentricities may feel like a burden at times but they’re also a blessing. For instance, a 120 year-long study on longevity found people with anxiety lived long. Dumb and happy died first. Anxious people do tons of activities to protect their health… so it makes sense.
One person’s “not normal” is another person’s “genius.” If we compare ourselves, we’re about as similar as snowflakes. Obviously if “not normal” is caused by mental health issues go to experts and get support and medicine.
Kay Redfield Jamison is a brilliant psychologist and writer who wrote many books including, “Touched by Fire.” Jamison has struggled with lifelong severe bipolar illness. She makes the point that even if we could “fix” the genetics of mental illness, we might deprive our society of our most creative people. As a writer, I admire Jamison’s beautiful writing style. She writes about psychology as if it’s lyrical poetry.
When I wrote my book Interpersonal Edge, I had one serious fight with my editor. She wanted me to take out my chapter on “Mystical Abnormality.” Mystical Abnormality is having the tools and consciousness to do what is effective. My editor said people wouldn’t read the book if I argued against normal. I said people who would read my book already knew “normal” wasn’t a high bar.
Instead of worrying about being abnormal, ask yourself a new question: “Are you being effective?” If you’re abnormal but effective, then keep doing what you’re doing. If you’re not effective, then it’s time to change tactics.
When we worry about what’s normal, we’re usually worshiping at the temple of “The Ego.” If we’re evaluating whether we’re effective, we’re coming from curiosity, learning, results, and the soul. We either are making a contribution or we need to shake up how we’re operating.
I frequently coach executives on moving beyond their fear of public speaking. One of the main shifts I recommend is to stop thinking about what the audience thinks of you. Instead, think of what they need from you and focus on helping them. This works way better than imagining people naked!
If every moment you concentrate on what you’re currently doing while working, you’ll be amazed at what you’ll learn. I had one guy who was tired of sitting in unproductive meetings. I told him to try changing something, anything. He got up in the meeting, put his chair on the table, and exited. He also started a breakthrough conversation about the meeting process.
You’ll discover that you cannot worry about how you look to others and evaluate your results at the same time. Effectiveness and ego cannot occupy the same mental space. On Monday make your goal the “effective elective” and enjoy your “abnormal” results.
The last word(s)
Q: I work with a guy who I profoundly dislike. He has asked for feedback from me on his performance review. Is there any way out of this pickle without permanently alienating him?
A: Yes, as Judith Martin, an American advice columnist, effectively suggested: “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.”
Daneen Skube, Ph.D., executive coach, trainer, therapist and speaker, also appears as the FOX Channel’s “Workplace Guru” each Monday morning. She’s the author of “Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, About Anything” (Hay House, 2006). You can contact Dr. Skube at www.interpersonaledge.com or 1420 NW Gilman Blvd., #2845, Issaquah, WA 98027. Sorry, no personal replies.
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