By Dr. Daneen Skube
Tribune Content Agency
Interpersonal Edge
Q: I dislike a situation at work that my co-workers are also complaining about with me. I enjoy venting, but worry that what I’m saying will come back to me and hurt my career. How can I respond to my co-workers complaining without having what I say come back to bite me?
A: You can respond to co-workers’ complaints by paraphrasing or repeating back in your own words what they’re saying. For example, “I understand that you’re frustrated that none of us are getting solid bonuses this year.” If you say instead, “Wow, our company is so cheap with bonuses,” you may be quoted.
People in the workplace are mostly conflict avoidant. If they can make a point by quoting another unhappy employee, then they’re shielded from the fallout. You, however, end up paying a price for being “quotable.”
I encourage my clients to never be quotable at work. When you agree with a co-worker, you can validate their point by repeating it back as what you’re hearing. Notice with this strategy that you aren’t saying anything the co-worker can repeat to anyone else.
By using this strategy, you can also add questions like, “It sounds like you’re thinking about what you want to do about this problem?” Another example is, “I’m hearing you might want to bring this up at our next meeting to discuss.”
If you’re foolish enough to vent loudly, you’re just setting up a way for your co-workers to force you to take the blame for the problems. Problems at work do not usually get solved unless many people are willing to own a problem.
Many of my proactive, smart, and perceptive clients didn’t understand how they always ended up being the office scapegoat. When my clients learned that through complaining, they’ve volunteered to serve as the scapegoat, they stopped being quotable.
When your boss is only hearing quotes from complaints you have made, you look like the problem. When your boss is hearing from a majority of your team, your boss will see the group agrees there’s a challenge.
When you acknowledge and articulate the concerns of your co-workers, you help direct their focus to doing something, and not just complaining. No amount of negative gossip ever improved any workplace.
Realize that most people most of the time rarely have the experience of being heard. When you paraphrase each co-worker he or she will become motivated and clear about how they perceive the problem.
The tools I teach emphasize ways to protect yourself and also leave everyone else better off. Cease to be quotable and instead paraphrase, and watch how many more problems will now get solved without you being the scapegoat.
The last word(s)
Q: I manage a large business. I’m dissatisfied with numerous ineffective processes we have always used. I don’t want to break something that sort of works. Is there a way to know if an overhaul on a process is worth the chaos of change?
A: Yes, as David Rockefeller, an American economist, suggested: “If necessity is the mother of invention, discontent is the father of progress.” When you use your discontent to make progressive change, the increase in productivity makes everyone’s day easier.
Daneen Skube, Ph.D., executive coach, trainer, therapist and speaker, also appears as the FOX Channel’s “Workplace Guru” each Monday morning. She’s the author of “Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, About Anything” (Hay House, 2006). You can contact Dr. Skube at www.interpersonaledge.com or 1420 NW Gilman Blvd., #2845, Issaquah, WA 98027. Sorry, no personal replies.
©2025 Interpersonal Edge. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
