By Robert Pagliarini, Tribune Media Services
Fear Inc. is hiring! Tell all your friends that the largest employer in the country is accepting applications. Amazingly, as the economy gets worse and unemployment goes up, they bring on more employees. One of the reasons Fear Inc.’s been able to buck the trend is that they are masters of recruiting. Even if you have a job, they’ll bring you on part time. Once you get in the door, it’s hard to leave. Your friends and family will encourage you to stay. “Why quit?” they’ll ask. “I’ve worked there for years and now I can’t think of working anywhere else.”
And that’s probably one of the best benefits from working at Fear Inc. The camaraderie is second to none. You’ll never feel alone because so many people you meet will also be employees. Of course, they may not admit it at first, but talk to them long enough and it will come out. You’ll get so good at noticing fellow employees that you’ll be able to spot them a mile away. Forget learning a secret handshake. Instead, you’ll be able to look into someone’s eyes and know for sure if they work for Fear Inc. — their look is unmistakable.
Some critics say Fear Inc. is nepotistic because so many families bring on their kids or friends, but Fear Inc. is, and has always been, an equal opportunity employer. Regardless of who you are, your sex, religion, sexual orientation, race or even your education, they will welcome you with open arms.
I don’t want to paint the picture that working for Fear Inc. is perfect. Yes, they offer a safe and secure environment, but, like any company, it also has its problems. The biggest complaint working for Fear Inc. is the hours. It’s a relentless job. You’ll definitely take your work home with you. And because you always have to be “on,” you may find that it interferes with other parts of your life. Your kids and spouse may complain that you don’t want to do anything anymore. But as the recruiting brochure says, “Fear Inc. isn’t a job — it’s a lifestyle!”
The other drawback from working at Fear Inc. is quitting. If you get the notion that you want something different — maybe something more — it’s very difficult to leave because of their onerous employment agreement. It’s drafted in such a way that the longer you work there, the harder it is to leave, which is fine because most people work at Fear Inc. their entire lives.
The outlook for Fear Inc. is very positive. They’ve had years of growth and the projections are for continuous record growth. They aren’t the only company hiring, though. One of its oldest competitors, Apathy Inc., has also seen a surge in growth lately. After speaking to their senior management, however, I got the impression they just didn’t seem to care about growing more. My guess is that Apathy Inc. is a possible takeover target. The guys at Fear Inc. are afraid Apathy will fight the merger, but something tells me they’ll go along with it.
Sure, you have to give up a lot to work at Fear Inc. — your hopes, dreams and aspirations — but they guarantee lifetime employment, a worldwide network of fellow employees just like you, and free Prozac to all. Download your job application today at SuccessSucks.com and get your spot in this growing company before it’s too late
Robert Pagliarini is a CBS MoneyWatch columnist and the author of “The Other 8 Hours: Maximize Your Free Time to Create New Wealth & Purpose” and the national best-seller “The Six Day Financial Makeover.” Visit YourOther8Hours.com.
This was printed in the August 14, 2011 – August 27, 2011 Edition
