By Landis Lain
Recently, a former Miss USA committed suicide. It shook me at a foundational level. I have a daughter just her age. I asked her if she had ever felt that level of misery in her life. She told me no. I was relieved. Thankful.
Miss USA was beautiful, accomplished, an attorney. She lived a life others can only dream of. Why was she so desperate to leave it behind?
Another young lady I consider a friend told me that she has attempted suicide twice and that someone told her that suicidal people lack coping skills. She told me that she had been called selfish. She was stricken and offended by those judgments. She said that once she hit the lowest level of darkness, it’s an indescribable place that she cannot compare to anything else in life. She could literally feel the physical pressure to escape. She just wanted the pain to end. Death seemed to be the answer.
My thoughts stumbled in horror. I have used the words coping mechanisms in the past. Perhaps that was false superiority because I lacked understanding.
I am sorry.
Everyone has coping skills. It is how we get through everyday life to navigate the vagaries of life and stressful situations. Maybe we should use the phrase “destruction of coping mechanisms” or something like that to describe someone whose developed coping ability is at the lowest ebb. Or whose ability to cope has been destroyed by circumstances. I don’t have the words to describe the circumstances. They differ for everyone. Thankfully most of us do not comprehend that level of despair. We see a person who we think has everything going for them choose death and we do not understand. When we come to conclusions that a person was selfish or lacked coping skills, it is because we are left to pick up the pieces of the carnage they leave behind. We need a simple explanation to pick up the burden of grief and carry on. We try to understand it without getting too close to it. We can no longer ask the person why they did it or why they felt bad enough to do it. We need answers but they might not exist in a way that we can make sense of their reasons.
I would like to tell anyone who contemplates such a drastic action.
I am so sorry…
That you have felt that level of darkness and pain in your life. I’m so sorry that I lack the ability to make you feel better. I pray God sends you abundant blessings and self-love as well as the ability and desire to continue to navigate your life. I pray that you be given the ability to help us understand. Because the world would be a dimmer place without you and your shining light in it. I hope love is enough to keep you here. How can I help?
