Photo by Liza Summer
Dr. Daneen Skube
Tribune Content Agency
Interpersonal Edge
Q: I have a long-term office friend who I no longer trust. When I was in a position to help her professionally, she was always friendly. Now I’ve moved departments and she’s giving me the cold shoulder. Why is she acting this way? What is my best response?
A: There are people who will only be friendly with you if they can use you. These people reveal themselves because when the benefits stop so does their loyalty. People who are narcissistic like this can be charming if you can help them. However, charm is not loyalty.
Here are some red flags that your office friend is simply using you:
1) They consistently shower you with flattery
2) They always agree with you
3) They are delighted when you do what they want
4) They devalue you when you frustrate their entitlements
Self-absorbed people will do something called “love bombing” when they first meet you. Love bombing is a firehose of flattery and compliments that appeal to your need for self-esteem. People who are secure in their value and identity find this behavior suspicious.
When you know a workplace friend doesn’t know you, yet constantly tells you that you walk on water, be careful. Their deluge of flattery is a secret weapon to get you addicted to their praise. When you see a workplace friend behaving in this way, slow down, and back up! They are probably not your friend.
Narcissists look at others only as a resource. The Dalai Lama, spiritual leader of the Tibetan people, commented on this problem: “People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.”
You don’t need to fix that problem. You do want to notice when someone who loves things and uses people is trying to befriend you. Important news flash! You cannot fix these people.
What you can do is see them, don’t trust them, and avoid them if possible. They are not friendship material in or out of the workplace.
You may be feeling betrayed or disappointed that your office “friend” has turned out to be a narcissist. In the school of hard knocks, you just finished the class entitled, “How to spot a Narcissist.” Even though you feel victimized at this moment, you have learned an invaluable lesson.
Within your disappointment, you’ve also received a gift of discernment. You now will be able to see who is capable of loyalty and who will just use you.
The last word(s)
Q: My boss appears unaware that no one is following his directions. Is there a way a leader can notice when he’s not actually leading?
A: Yes, as John C. Maxwell, an American author and pastor, observed: “He that thinketh he leadeth and hath no one following him is only taking a walk.”
Your boss may take longer than you’d like to become aware that he is only taking a walk, but he’ll eventually notice that no one is behind him.
Daneen Skube, Ph.D., executive coach, trainer, therapist and speaker, also appears as the FOX Channel’s “Workplace Guru” each Monday morning. She’s the author of “Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, About Anything” (Hay House, 2006). You can contact Dr. Skube at www.interpersonaledge.com or 1420 NW Gilman Blvd., #2845, Issaquah, WA 98027. Sorry, no personal replies.
©2024 Interpersonal Edge. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
