By Melik
I was standing at the microwave waiting for water to steep for tea. I was sick. I was miserable. The only thing that soothed me seemed to be hot tea with honey. It had been a miserable week. Bill, a co-worker, moseyed into the break room. Bill and I exchange hellos. Then he says ‘hey you know you are coming up to your ten year anniversary of your showcase.’ I did not know. He spoke about a video production premiere I had at the Nuthouse Sports Grill on its wall of television.
At the turn of the century I was motivated. I was working towards my wants, desires, dreams, and passion. I did everything I could to further my knowledge in all that was entertainment. I believed I was unstoppable. My mantra was that there were no obstacles, only variables. The more I accomplished the more I did. I found my voice on television. Many people fell away. I continued on. I pursued acting. I argued with every director that believed a person of color had to be the crook. I argued with fever when I was told I was not black enough. I was not able to land roles. I continued on. If there was something going on in my world that I did not like I was not silent. I used television to spread my message but I did it without being loud and abrasive. That is until people started telling me what I was doing and saying were wrong. I stood up and shouted, I am not wrong, I am showing a difference. People tried to silence me and I felt they were wrong. People fell away. I continued on. Somewhere in there I read a book “What Would Machiavelli Do? The Ends Justify the Meanness” by Stanley Bing. I did not take it as social commentary sarcasm. I took it as gospel.
Not only did I continue on, I took it upon myself to fight what I thought was the good fight. I, a person of color, will be a positive influence in the world that I live in. My misguided angry transformation was fueled by failures as well as successes. No failure was truly a failure if I learned how not to fail in that way again. I never failed the same way twice. Misguided, I continued on.
I blindly went forth with a movie project that I had written for a rapper I met named King Size. He asked me to shoot a music video for him for a song called “Phatt Daddy”. It was grimy and it was great. All loved it except for his music partner and financier. I continued on. I wrote a feature length screenplay loosely based on King Size’s life as a rapper and as a person – Chris Carnegie. That piece was called “True Enemy”. In two weekends I, along with a tremendous amount of help from others, was able to make both video pieces happen. It was a proud moment when people came to the Nuthouse to watch these two pieces show in front of a receptive crowd. I felt invincible. The problem was I was motivated by negativity. I continued on no matter anyone else’s feelings. I felt if I paused to show understanding or compassion towards others that I would show weakness. The problem was, I thought I was using the words of The Prince, Niccolò Machiavelli, although I had not actually read his teachings – destructive error on my part. Still I continued on. I quickly realized that I had become a super nova of myself. Many great things came from this turn of the century energy but it was fueled with so much negativity that eventually it all turned into a black hole. As I reminisce about that flurry of creativity that erupted from blind ignorant perseverance I wonder how I can recapture some of that creative spark positively. I realized through finding myself I had lost some of myself. It was mind boggling how a simple comment over a soothing cup of tea flooded my mind with so many thoughts and memories. Now that I am older, will I be able to recapture the desire and pursue these dreams as a wiser man?
~Melik / me2upro.com
This column was originally printed in the September 26, 2010 – October 9, 2010 edition.
