I do not know when it happened. And as I analyze my past it seems there were a series of events that led to this feeling that I have. I see different points where my life took a drastic turn. The problem is I cannot figure out how to analyze the results. They have all ended up being learning experiences but to what end, for I am lost. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of myself and do not know where to go. Do you remember those standardized tests in grade school that had you answer some questions about yourself before the test began? I remember filling in a bubble that I wanted to be a truck driver when I was older. It was eighth grade; I had no idea what I wanted to do for a living. I was not one of those kids that wanted to be a doctor, fireman or policeman when I grew up. How would I know? At that point, the only profession that I had any real knowledge of was school teacher. My mother was a teacher. So except for my father being a navigator in the Air Force, I did not have any insight on other types of jobs. Heck, I had no idea what a navigator’s role was either. I figured that is just what happens when you fail flight school. You should hear my father tell that story; it is very comical, at least the way he tells the story about skimming trees in a plane almost and killing himself and the instructor. I guess there is a difference between elevation and actual air height that is life or death.
I like to ask people what they want to be when they grow up no matter what their age is. The question causes a lot of pause. Very often a person will respond saying something about what they always thought they would be doing instead of what they actually are. I usually follow that with why they are not doing what they dreamed of. No one seems to be able to give a solid reason. There are a lot of us that seem to have bubble bounced around in life until finally settling haphazardly in some random spot. It is very rare I find someone like the 17 year old dishwasher at a restaurant that wants to be a chef. He says doing that job is not for the money and he would not be there if he did not want to work in the restaurant industry. I envy his clear headedness and vision.
So here I am all grown up and still do not know what I want to be. I have a job that takes care of my basic needs and I have another job that fills in the gaps. I do not mind working. I do not mind working hard or long hours. What is bugging me is that maybe I missed something along the way. I just do not feel like data entry was my calling. And if you ask my night boss he will tell you that I am not a good waiter. Seriously, it seems like I just kind of fell into a couple of things that I am just mediocre enough at to pull off without messing up too much. How’s that for motivation? That only says I am not a complete screw up. My first trip to college was for Hotel, Restaurant and Institutional Management during which I decided I did not want to be subjected to the rigors of working in the service industry. Ha, ha the joke is on me – I am back again. I liked to write creatively so I became a decent typist but that skill went to transferring information that other people collect. Wow, I did it again. Together they are great jobs, please recognize that. I definitely make more than a “living wage” – that is not to brag, that is just to put things into perspective. My problem is – well it is me. It makes me wonder, if I had made one or two decisions differently, what would I be doing instead. As I look around I often ponder on how people ended up in the jobs that they have. Was it a deliberate act or was it just a series of accidents that led a person to doing a day by day thing for twenty or thirty years until they retire. I told both of my bosses that my jobs would be very temporary. They were fine with that. Ten years later on the day gig and five years later on the night gig and I say ha, ha jokes on them. I’m still here baby and it does not look like I am going anywhere anytime soon. So I say to the young folk, be very careful about what you do not know.
~Melik / me2upro.com
