I do not know what motivated me to start doing it. I do not remember when I started doing it. I feel very strange when I do it. I do not speak on it either. I find the practice rather odd. However, I do see that I am not alone in doing it but I have never spoken with anyone else about my surreptitious activity. I joke with myself about it. I tell myself ‘it looks like I made it to another day.’ I open up the crisp newspaper, bypass the latest bold headlines, pull out the local section and continue directly to the obituaries. First I scan the pictures, observing details most people probably would not notice. I wonder where the picture was taken. I ponder about why the picture has another person it. I like to see ones that have a recent photo, the signs of their life history visibly evident in the contours of their face, paired with a more youthful snapshot, two very distinct points of time, frozen for comparison.
Then I look for more concrete details. Age is always an item that can evoke an emotional response deep within me. I like to wonder what a person that nears a hundred years of age thinks about the aging process and the inevitability of death. I speculate on their way of life. I think about the changes they have seen with their own eyes. I speculate on what kind of person they were and if the passing of time changed some of their way of thinking about the world and their place in it. I wonder why someone decided to never marry or if there was a divorce that was not mentioned. I notice whether or not a person had children and pause to wonder why. A person’s nickname is sometimes amusing.
Sometimes you can tell how religious a person is by the opening line. An example is ‘he/she went home to be with his/her Lord. However, I wonder if that was the departed’s choice or solely the decision of the person that wrote the obit. The long ones are wonderful, a virtual biographic window into the world of one person. It amazes me the achievements of some people and to see it highlighted, yet reduced to one column in black and white. As I read it the words seem to come to life in full color panoramic view as I take a journey for a moment into the world of another. About then is the time I begin to wonder what will be written about me. Who will write my final farewell piece to the world? What will they include? Maybe more importantly, what will they leave out? I wonder about my impact on this great blue, green and brown marble. What is there to say when I have never been married, do not have any children and missed my opportunity to serve my country in the Armed Forces? I think maybe I am just that guy off to the side without much impact in the great evolving drama called life.
For those that are close to my age, I always hope a cause of death is mentioned or at least alluded to somehow. It does not make seeing people in my age bracket in the obituaries any easier, especially as I get older. I do not care how many times I see it, a death in the 40s, 30s, or 20s does not seem to be from natural causes. I do not want to accept that. It very much makes me wonder how that person lived. Did they abuse drugs, was their life extremely stressful or maybe they succumbed to a broken heart? To me there has to be a reason for a young death that I miss, and I hope it misses me. That is my way of coping. I guess it would be easier just not to read them at all. I cannot do that though. Unfortunately there have been people that I have known that have made the list and I would not have known for not seeing it in the daily announcement. As much as it shocked and hurt to have my eyes burned with the words it has also helped me. At least I was able to make it to the funeral. At least I was able to give one more hello. I gave up saying goodbye long ago, it hurt too much. After having my stroke I wonder what would happen if I were to stop waking up in the morning?
How would people find out if they do not have my habit? That is when I decided to make a death call list. I know it sounds morbid but after I missed making a few calls when I was in the hospital I decided it was necessary. I have a couple of copies around that should be easy to find. It has enough people on it that if everyone is notified then the word would spread. I really hope no one finds that list anytime soon, but if so just stop by to say hello and I will see you on the other side.
~Melik / me2upro.com
