By Joe Walker
"Will Super Glue secure your memories?"
I can’t help but be impressed by how stupid humans can be. Their actions sometimes cause me to react with laughter, even when what they’ve done is humorless.
I was in Walmart a couple of days ago to purchase Super Glue. My oldest son is a Cub Scout. He needed glue to secure weights to his pinewood derby racecar (By the way: he won first place for the best looking car!). Of all department stores Walmart consistently has the most checkout lanes not in use. They never have more than two open, not including the self-checkout lanes. The one open express lane had, maybe, twenty people waiting. The single active non-express lane: the same. I started laughing.
I decided to use the also-backed-up self-checkout, which I thought were supposed to be faster and easy. But people always appear to struggle with how they function, taking what feels like forever to complete their transaction. After waiting 15 minutes I finally got my turn. And at that point I started laughing again.
I touched the keypad to start. The machine welcomed me, calling me a valued Walmart shopper. I scanned my item and placed in the bag. Then the machine told me to wait for authorization. I became confused. I wasn’t purchasing alcoholic beverages. An attendant came over a few seconds later.
"May I see your I.D.?" she asked. Still confused I responded in a semi-loud tone, "for what?" She smiled as though embarrassed, then said, "We have to ask everyone for I.D. when they buy Super Glue. Kids are sniffing it."
"What?!" I exclaimed, my voice louder than before. "Kids are sniffing Super Glue?" She wasn’t joking, I wasn’t even slightly amused; but I burst into laughter. The shock tickled more than having someone stick his or her fingers in my armpit. I grabbed my receipt and began to walk away, forgetting to grab the Super Glue I’d just paid for.
I can’t believe the lengths being taken to get high. People – young people, especially – are seriously doing anything to fill buzzed. Super Glue is highly poisonous. Just opening the container burned my nose, the fumes alone brought tears to my eyes. And it leaves a temporary burning sensation in the throat. I can’t imagine forcefully inhaling it. We’ve come to a time when weed, permanent makers, and Elmer’s Glue are the least of our worries.
New Resolution #31: Stop sniffing Super Glue, dummies!
