Power struggles do not equal trying to change people.
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Dr. Daneen Skube,
Tribune Content Agency
Q: One of my co-workers is always looking for a soapbox to stand on to yell her opinions. She is obnoxious, judgmental, and always looking to correct others. How can I deal with her and why do people act this way and think they’re noble?
A: You can deal with her if you don’t engage her invitation to a power struggle. People act this way because the idea we can change the world by changing others is easier than changing ourselves.
As Rumi, a 13th-century Persian poet, advised, “Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grow flowers, not thunder.” Rumi was a wise man as he knew watering the soil of those around you allows you to live in a beautiful garden.
To want to rant at the shortcomings of others and the world is human. But, to be capable of then looking at our own participation in our problems is divine. For instance, this week I was counting on a smart person I respect to do what he said he would. Normally, I would double check diplomatically with others on any task. I didn’t, he didn’t, and I was mad.
The trick is to not open your mouth and insert your foot in it when others disappoint you. In an email, this person apologized and I observed that everyone has stuff drop through the cracks. I also offered that I could have double checked with others and failed to do so.
The idea here is when we leave our well-being or outcomes important to us in the hands of others, even those we respect, we’ll often be disappointed. We will at first be mad at them. We can always stand on our soapboxes and regale our office with tales of the incompetence and indifference of others.
However, at the end of the day the results we want are ultimately and completely our responsibility to sheep herd. People that make a second career of thundering around the office feel like victims. They refuse to get busy taking actions to rescue themselves. They stand on a perceived moral high ground and complain about how others “should” act.
The truth is most people are not malicious. At worst, they are distracted, overwhelmed, and unconscious. You care more than anyone else about what matters to you. If you do not double or triple check graciously on results you need, all the ranting in the world won’t fix your constant disappointment.
When people in your office rant, look calmly at them and say, “That may be so,” then go about your day. Your office yeller will find you most unrewarding to thunder around. Then you’re free to have a high-quality day, where you stay busy making sure what matters to you happens.
The last word(s)
Q: At the beginning of the year I made a lot of ambitious plans. I seem to be avoiding them all! Is there any trick to getting motivated when your own goals are intimidating you?
A: Yes, ask yourself what is the easiest, simplest, unimpressive task you can do today. Then do that each day and you’ll achieve nearly anything in the long run!
Daneen Skube, Ph.D., executive coach, trainer, therapist and speaker. She’s the author of “Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, About Anything” (Hay House, 2006). You can contact Dr. Skube at www.interpersonaledge.com or 1420 NW Gilman Blvd., #2845, Issaquah, WA 98027. Sorry, no personal replies
