Narcissists in the workplace secretly rage. However, they will stab you in the back and not look back and offer you a bandaid because they are self-absorbed. It is best to tread carefully. Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels
Dr. Daneen Skube
Tribune Content Agency
Interpersonal Edge
Q: There’s a guy in my office who is always telling his tale of woe. He expects everyone to do his work. If he’s low on supplies, he steals stuff off others’ desks. He seems to be a narcissist except he’s clearly got low self-esteem. How do I deal with him and what’s wrong with him?
A: Most likely you’re dealing with a version of an office narcissist. You can deal with him if you realize he has no empathy and a minuscule moral compass, if he has one at all. Don’t fall for his pity con.
Be aware that not all narcissists are snappy dressers with grandiose attitudes. All narcissists do have low self-esteem. Narcissism is at the core an inability to regulate shame. The red flags are lack of empathy, entitlement, manipulations, and disregard for boundaries.
Be aware that if you confront a narcissist, they’ll always respond with icy indifference or more likely fits of rage. They’ll blame, shame, and attack you as the problem. Do not make the mistake of trying to negotiate with a narcissist.
Your main strategy — to maintain your peace of mind — is to steer clear, don’t respond, and expect repeated violations of your boundaries. If he steals your stuff, put a lock on your cabinet. If he whines about his problems, nod and exit. Don’t empathize, don’t problem solve, and don’t try to talk sense. Narcissist reasoning makes no sense… ever.
Many of my clients who encounter narcissists at work ask me, “What are they thinking?” I repeatedly say, “Narcissists are not thinking; they just want what they want when they want it.” If you get in the way of what a narcissist wants, they’ll run you over like a speed bump. And, no, they’ll not look back to see if you’re OK.
The good news is that when you realize a coworker is self-absorbed, you can avoid most problems. If they have a fit in the meeting, either leave or ask the group what they want to do. Never try tackling your office narcissist by yourself. You’ll just get hurt.
Some of my advanced clients become arrogant and believe with their high-level communication skills, they can outmaneuver a narcissist. But no one can untangle the toxic web these people weave effortlessly, and only a fool will try. Part of having good communication skills is knowing when those skills won’t help you.
When your selfish coworker wants you to do his work, simply say your plate is full. If he insists, encourage him to speak to your boss about his requests. Interestingly, narcissists suck up to management so they won’t go to your boss.
Anytime he asks for something unreasonable, encourage him to go to management. One of the best ways to get this guy fired is to help management see the problem.
The only way to help that happen is to stop fighting with him, and direct him up the corporate food chain. A narcissist has no ability to see how outrageous his or her requests are and management will get tired of dealing with the office baby.
My new favorite book on this topic is titled “Don’t You Know Who I am” by Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D. You’ll find tons of additional ideas for how to manage your office problem child within the pages of this practical book.
The last word(s)
Q: I get so many emails where the main idea seems buried under a mountain of words. How can I avoid making this mistake?
A: As Thomas Jefferson, the third President of the U.S., advised, “The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do.” Edit until the only language left is dense and simple.
Daneen Skube, Ph.D., executive coach, trainer, therapist and speaker, also appears as the FOX Channel’s “Workplace Guru” each Monday morning. She’s the author of “Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, About Anything.” Contact Dr. Skube at www.interpersonaledge.com or 1420 NW Gilman Blvd., #2845, Issaquah, WA 98027. Sorry, no personal replies.
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