Relationships II
By Melik
How many different ways is loved defined? It would seem that love is indefinable. Unfortunately I did not listen to my mother so I did not learn Latin. I am picking up a little as life goes on. I would like to bring your attention to the Latin word Eros which is partly defined as sexual yearning, love, or desire. One of my favorite things about this Eros type of love is seduction. Now before you go and think I am going to sound like a stereotypical one track mind male, please hear me out. My idea of seduction has more to do with everything that happens outside the sheets than what goes on between two consenting adults when they finally reach that special intimate duet. From my mother teaching me about chivalry I used that as a foundation to learn about romance. Problem is I do not think that the women I have dealt with have learned as much about romance as I have. I certainly do not believe they appreciate it as much as Glamour (don’t judge me, I pick up an Essence or Ebony too) magazine would have one believe. Confession – the only thing I really know is how relationships do not work or last. As you read on you must keep in mind I have absolutely no idea how to keep a relationship. I only know the mistakes that I have made. Although I try not to make the same mistake twice I do somehow manage to keep making mistakes when it comes to trying to maintain a healthy adult romantic relationship. After 20 years I would have to say I am an expert of not knowing.
It seems one of the biggest components of coupling is communication. The irony is that a lot of people talk about communication, but are people really communicating? By definition, to communicate is to exchange thoughts, messages or information. Most of us believe that this is done by words but there is a whole lot more nonverbal communication that happens than what I think most people are cognitive of. In other words, most people ignore whatever the other person is saying. Often when a person brings up an issue the conversation turns quickly into a debate. A whole lot of talking is going on but there ceases to be an exchange of ideas, for each person is trying to make sure their point is heard and accepted by the other. My fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Spencer, had an annoying but poignant saying: “Your ears don’t work when your lips are moving.” We all want to be heard but do we give the same respect we expect? You can not have love without respect.
One of the major issues in my relationships in the past has been time. I have been through too much time together, not enough time together and what the heck to do with the time together. Too much time together is never a problem in the goofy new brainless beginning stages of a romantic relationship. Your brain synapses are so overwhelmed with endorphins you will do almost anything to get your next fix. I do not care if you are a hopeless romantic or a seasoned player – new is new and it feels darn good. Not having enough time together in the new-stage is plain frustrating. You want that fix, you need that fix but you just can not seem to be able to get that fix. After about three months when the newness wears off or rather you start to develop a tolerance to your new love drug, I often come to what the heck do we do with the time together no matter how it started. When things start to settle down you realize the differences that were exciting in the beginning may become stumbling blocks in the middle. This point is critical. As individuals we have our own interests and need our own time. As a couple we absolutely must learn to develop enjoyable time habits while still allowing and respecting singular time. I learned this the hard way, problem is I have not been able to find someone that had also or was even willing to embrace what knowledge I did have.
Now recall my foundation for romance is chivalry. From that comes romance or rather chivalry can be romantic. It surprises me how a woman acts when I open the car door for her. Talk about nonverbal communication, it speaks volumes. Eventually she will ask the question “How long will this last?” I never really know how to reply to this. One thought is, for as long as I am a man and you are a woman. Another thought is ‘what is wrong with men they do not open the door for their loved one. Didn’t their mothers teach them anything’? A third is, ‘as long as you are my woman.’ How Neanderthal I know. I dated one woman that absolutely did everything she could to have me not open doors for her. That whole sort of coupling did not last very long. I digress. Men – romance your woman all day everyday. Buy flowers when you are not in the dog house or it is not a holiday. If you would like something special then do something special. However the trick is to do something special without expectation. If you are with a kind, considerate, giving, caring, aware, woman that understands the value of reciprocity then you should never want. Ladies, basically my philosophy is you get what you give. Man or woman you should give your all.
I know of one couple that has done it right. They made it through getting married young, two miscarriages, two boys, one daughter, three grandchildren, one great grandchild, and my intruding derrière. I was adopted into the family but I do not think they had much of a choice. Anyway, Mom Hurlburt will tell you relationships take work, it will not be easy, you have to talk, you have to give each other space, you have to learn each others likes and dislikes and respect them, you can not change another person, you can only change yourself, and if you really truly without a shadow of a doubt love someone you would do anything for them – save anything illegal but even then, that may be a gray area. She will also tell you that there has to be a balance, compromise is vital. That does not mean that one person always is going to be the one giving up something, there has to be give and give. Not just give and take. She also used to tell me be great, if you can’t be great then be good, if you can’t be good then name it after her.
I give thanks to both of my mothers for giving me such a solid a foundation. I also need to thank them for teaching me not to compromise my ideals just to force the issue and try to make something out of nothing. They taught me that I had to be true to myself for only then could I be true to anyone else. Mom Hurlburt has eternal hope. She believes one day I might find that everlasting together love. To that I say, I guess time will tell but until then I got to do what I got to do – for me. So my only advice to anyone is to thine own self be true and because for the longest time I did not fully understand what that meant. I will break it down for you ghetto style – “if you ain’t true to yoself, you ain’t true to nobody! Live your life for someone else, then you ain’t livin”. I bet you can’t guess what movie those lines were in. Now go out and love somebody, but remember to be safe and responsible.
Thank you for your time,
~Melik
I welcome any feedback, comments and suggestions for future commentary ideas.
melik_2001 @ yahoo.com
