GRIEF
I am broken.
At any moment I may crumble before your eyes, even as I stand before you smiling.
I lay before God in tears, I ask why, I ask why now…
But I don’t ask for peace that surpasses all understanding because I don’t want it.
I want to feel how I feel, because that is how I really feel.
I don’t want Christian Cliches; I don’t want fake concern.
I want to be whole again. There’s a void within that your empty
And NOPE- not even your sincere & meaning filled words can fill.
You want to help? Pray for me. Don’t tell me you’ll pray for me just do it.
Lay on your face and travail. Intercede on my behalf.
I don’t want food, cards, flowers, sympathies condolences or even YOU.
I want answers. I want understanding.
I want the comfort of what is familiar…
I want my faith to step in and assure me that everything is the way it should be…
Not my reality saying everything will be ok because it has to be,
And life has to go one without…
I want time to stop,
So I can have the time to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling as long as I need,
To cuddle with my body pillow and cry tears no one else has to see…
Time to panic in private…time to pout & feel helpless without having to strong for anyone else
A time to be needy and NOT needed…I need that time to BE…Not busy.
I want to throw things and pout
And not worry about how I look and kind of example I’m setting.
I want to be selfish. Bring back my comfort!
LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MY COMFORT!
…
Right now, the best comfort I have are my tears, so LET ME CRY.
They say what my heart is speaking and my mouth can’t articulate.
They speak to my shock, denial, my blame, and even the truths I don’t want to face.
I am broken, and even though I am broken…
There’s promise in my pain.
It’s hard to see and even though I feel weak, I know I am being strengthened.
They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and sometimes…
Sometimes, it seems easier to die.
However, the purpose within won’t let me let go
So I persevere- suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character;
and character, hope.
And holding on to hope I face another day,
Praying that the pain will ease,
And praying that each day that comes will be just a little bit easier.
© 2008 Sara R. Hill